Sunday, August 13, 2006

* UPDATED: 19 hours, 18 minutes and God is on the move...

"The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness?" Matthew 6:22-23

Life is certainly not fair, by any means. There is good and there is bad. We are given choices to make, and we learn to live by the consequences of what happens. We choose the types of friends we make, and have really great, or not so great, relationships because of it. We choose the foods we eat, and how we look or feel can be a direct result of those choices. People can betray us, hurt us and how we respond affects our entire outlook on things - sometimes in obvious ways, but I believe it's mostly more subtle ways that truly affect us.

I've struggled with issues of faith a lot recently; mostly over the last year. Everything in our world has been turned upside over the last several months on several fronts. We've lost beloved grandparents; sold our home and moved across country and back again; lived in temporary housing situations waiting for the right home to come around for us again; encountered family dynamics that have left us wounded and bleeding; watched our kids struggle through their first years of middle school - and navigate through the icy waters of teenage viciousness for what they stand for and believe; began our own battle against another potentially life-threatening illness with my kidney failure; changed jobs and lifestyles equivalent to 20% of what we used to "have" and "make", to name a few.

I think it could be easy to just sit back and just give up. Start a big 'ole pity party. Get angry and question God. I mean, if this is life in full abundance and blessing, what is it? Right?Don't you think it's my right to sit back and say "Hey, God? Uh, if this is love ... well ...."

Well, that's really not what we've done.


But, here is what has happened.

We got our focus looking back, not forward. Hurt, betrayal, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness. All really ugly words, causing really ugly results. Several people said "Just let it go" "Let go, Let God". "Just turn is over". "Forgive". There comes a point, a place, a time, where the hurt gets so big and the wound get so big and raw, that you don't know how to let it heal.
Every reminder is just one more time that the bandage is ripped off and the wound is exposed, infected.

God, I'll trust you in all areas - but this one. Cause there is no way that this can be fixed.

Sound familiar?

Well, that is where I found myself last night. I was sick and tired of being angry, hurt and wounded.

I made a decision to change. I didn't know how, but I just knew it was time. I knew I had to forgive. And God would work on the rest.

So, I decided to take a "me" break. Turned off the computer and went to church. I'm sure everyone knows where this is going .... (after all, my "break" lasted about 19 hours and 18 minutes)

As we walked out he door, the first gift of love was waiting. It was 54 degrees and raining lightly. It may not sound like much, but I suffer horribly in the heat because of this kidney failure. I get dehydrated at the drop of a hat, but am restricted to the amount of fluids I can drink. So, this one-time cooling trend was a blessing for me. I just didn't didn't know it! However, I did dance around abit on the way to the car.

Wayne Cordeiro spoke last night, as a guest speaker in follow-up to the Leadership Summit 2005 that has been going on. He spoke on Attitude and Faith. Yep, wrote it just for me.

Look for what is good.

He who diligently seeks good seeks favor; but he who seeks evil, evil will com to him." Proverbs 11:27

Believe you can chance.

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he ..." Proverbs 23:7

Never give up!

" And Jesus said to him, " ... all things are possible to him who believes". Mark 9:23

Faith is not about "what is", but what you can "see". God designed us to look forward; our eyes, ears, arms and feet were designed to move us more effectively forward.

What I realized, and walked away with, is that to be truly faithful I need to walk away from the past. From the hurt and betrayal. God will do the rest.
And when I accepted that, it was over. God took it, and there was a literal physical lifting of weight from my heart. I say there and felt God put my heart back together in that moment.

I don't know what God has planned from this pont forward; how he will rebuild bridges of trust where none exist now. However, my faith rests in that He will do things, when and how He chooses. And now, I can see that. And I trust Him - because He is the only one who will never fail me.

I do not expect that life will now sally-forth uninhibited. There will be rocks and valleys, pain and joy. But, once again - I'm rested in knowing that my Jesus has the lead and will not let me go.

I love you, Lord
and I lift my voice ...
to worship you
O my soul rejoice.

Take joy, my King
in what you hear!
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound
in your ear.

Hallelujah - our God is an awesome God.

* Update 8/20/06: The audio and written notes for this message are finally posted. You can download them for free by clicking here, then using the "Free" links for either audio or document. I really recommend the 30 minutes to listen to Wayne. Hugs everyone ...


Blogger BooMama said...

Ephesians 3:20 says it way better than I can.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Kelli said...

Boomama - amen. It's amazing what God can do when we get out of His way. Hugs!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

Praise God! I know that feeling of the weight literally lifting - and it is thanks to him and him alone.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Brenda said...

Amen, Kelli. He is more than amazing.


10:37 PM  
Blogger infohog said...

I spent three months in Bali in 1976. I slept in a box on Camp street in New Orleans. When I thought things were bad it always turned out that somthing good came of it. I have learned not to view the present as good or bad but to search for what he is teaching me. Great blog you have here!

7:19 PM  
Blogger Barb said...

I think you're entitled to the occasional pity party, Kelli. You've had to deal with more challenges in the past year than most of us deal with in a lifetime.

Boo nailed it right on the head. He is able to do more than we can ask or imagine.

54 degrees and raining lightly? That just sounds heavenly.

9:47 PM  
Blogger Big Mama said...

Thanks for sharing your struggles and your heart.

9:34 PM  
Blogger Casey said...

Thank you for sharing, your words spoke to me this morning.

Blessings on you.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

What came to mind is that somewhere in town, someone was complaining that it was 54 degrees and raining lightly... the mere illustration that God Knows Best. He KNEW you needed a little rain. Sometimes I think when people give advice, they don't know they can really hurt you. I just heard Charles Stanley's series on going through the darkness, and into the light a few days ago. Visit his link and listen I know it will minister to you. It touched me heart.God Bless You.

11:06 AM  

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