Saturday, July 15, 2006

When does it just stop?

It's amazing how you're trotting along, and WHAM! The rug gets pulled out.

This is shaping up to be quite a week we are heading into. And I'm not feeling up to be the one to keep the pieces together. I think I'm just tired. Plain, flat out- inside and out tired.

I'm losing my ability to walk around for any length of time. It's so frustrating, but the anemia from the kidney failure is getting worse - and I'm starting to feel it. I'm just- tired. Bone weary tired. If things don't improve, I have to schedule twice monthly visits into town, to sit in the Dialysis Unit (yuck) and get an IV (double yuck) of iron.

Honestly, I've prided myself (maybe the problem) on how well I've felt since this started. The team kept saying "Oh - you will feel so much better!" - But, I didn't feel bad, so how could I feel better? Now, I'm just pooped. And I jsut don't like talking about this much to everyone. I'm sick, I know it, but I don't need to talk about it every minute. Which makes me feel guilty. And more tired.

Which also means my darling daughter has unpacked most of the house and organized things to a rather scary degree - while I watch. And fell guilty.

I think too much lately about my own mortality. I'm assured and at peace about where I'm going - I not at peace about when. I'm a mom. I have kids, I want to hold my grandkids. I want to drive my husband crazy for at least another 40 years. I'm selfish.

It's also rolling up on the first anniversary of my daddy's passing. That is hard. Painfully hard. In a way, I'm glad he is not here to see me sick, because these are congenital issues. But, I wish he was here, just to be here. (ok, gotta take a break ...)

Anyway -- stress is just accumulating. They say the things that cause stress the most are moving, death, new jobs, health issues, divorce. Well, in the last 17 months we have lost two grandfathers, moved 4 times (including back and forth to dad's during hospice), started dialysis, a new job but thankfully- my marriage is still strong. But, I'm a walking ball of nerves right now.

The financial burdens of dialysis are starting to stack, while we wait for the insurance and Medicare argue over who is going to pay what, and when -- while the hospitals sends lovely reminders about the unpaid $5000.00 training. And we haven't yet seen the bill for the first two months supplies that have come and gone. The thought of what transplant and post-transplant are going to cost, as well, are beginning to loom.

I'm the organizer, the scheduler, the keeper of the keys ... and I'm just not up to it right now.

I know everyone didn't pop over here to see me fall apart. Maybe there is just something cathartic about putting pen to paper and being honest. It makes it real.

But, I'm hoping you can stick us all on your list of things to pray about for abit.


Blogger BooMama said...

Rest assured that you and your family will be in my prayers.

It's good for us, I think, to just let it all go and let it all out every once in awhile. Sounds like you're due. Have at it. :-)

And seriously - I will pray.

12:22 AM  
Blogger Dianne said...

God bless you! Your spirit shines through your words no matter how tired you are. Stress and illness suck and right now I am loaded with stress and have a sick only uncle. Take care, I wish you only good things.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I am praying for you right now.

Here in Australia, they have found a way to transplant Kidneys even if the blood type is different. It happened in Melbourne and is supposed to really cut down the wait time on Australia's donor list.

You are in my prayers.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

My brother had a kidney transplant from our mom and is doing well. I pray you will find a match and do well too. I know that things seem bleak at present, but trust that God is with you. You are in my prayers.

9:19 PM  
Blogger Kelli said...

Thanks everyone .. with some rest and a day out of the house, I'm feeling abit more normal again.

Your prayers are so appreciated!

1:19 AM  
Blogger Paulette said...

Hey Kelli, I put your name on our prayer chain at church. I have been checking in on you but havent commented. i am up lifting you in prayer everyday and have added you to my daily prayer journal. may God give you his peace and comfort at this very difficult time in your life. I will keep close tabs.
Blessings to you and I am praying!!!

8:19 PM  
Blogger Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) said...

I am new here - came from Brenda's prayer list.

I am so sorry for what you are enduring and yes I am praying for you.

On a completely superficial note, I love you blog design. The flower is gorgeous, the simplicity striking. Perfect.

3:21 PM  

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