There goes my tail again... Oh bother.

Most days, I'm Tigger. Full of optimism, organized, witty and on top of things. Lately, about the last month or so, I've been more Eeyore. Scattered, heavy-hearted, under a constant black raincloud.

I know that part of it is losing the control of having my job, and not being able to be "needed" somewhere. Weird, because I home-school two of the best kids in the world that I love to death. But, I'm used to balancing so many balls- and now, ahem, I'm ball-less.

This move has left me unsettled. I know, through the prayers and answers we have received, and the path that laid out before us that is was the right move now. But, leaving all that is familiar, including the medical team that I adored, is hard. I've met the first of my new team- and I am not thrilled. Talented, able but cold, business-like. Efficient. I don't do that well.

I have slipped, here and there, into mild depression over the last few months but have always slept it off and moved on to the new day. Now, I can't.

The talons of being unsettled, of living in constant anticipation of the next thing to go wrong- has begun to wear on me. This month has been a joyous one of miracle after miracle- but has come attack after attack. My shield is dented, folding and my sword arm is tired. Putting one foot in front of the other is tiring, cumbersome. Literally and figuratively. I cry more, and easily. And that, is not my way. I will not be a victim.

Today brought more devastating setbacks in the transplant area. Phoenix will not accept me. The nurse I had initially talked to, who did the full (or what we thought was the full) initial process, missed a few steps that evidently fully disqualify me. That wasn't so much the issue today (although it was a kick in the gut), as the way she said it. She was chipper and cold at the same time. Very efficient. "We cannot even work you up. Good thing you have Denver in your back pocket". Dismissed. You are the weakest link. Byebye.

I do still have Denver, and I don't see us moving too much closer to them, as we are ok where we are- and know this is where God wants us for now. I'm reading Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit - and fully focused on slipping in through circumstances and people who push you in. Timing- right?

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Tired. In need of something going right. Just one day. Just one.

I've struggled with even posting as I like to do it once I've learned the lesson. I want to share the journey of our trip here. But, I find myself focusing on the events of what went wrong and it no longer strikes me funny. Even though we laughed all the way here. Depression is scary. And I'm trusting that God continues to hear me, and maybe someone has some directional signs from having been here before me.