Wednesday, March 14, 2007

There goes my tail again... Oh bother.

Most days, I'm Tigger. Full of optimism, organized, witty and on top of things. Lately, about the last month or so, I've been more Eeyore. Scattered, heavy-hearted, under a constant black raincloud.

I know that part of it is losing the control of having my job, and not being able to be "needed" somewhere. Weird, because I home-school two of the best kids in the world that I love to death. But, I'm used to balancing so many balls- and now, ahem, I'm ball-less.
This move has left me unsettled. I know, through the prayers and answers we have received, and the path that laid out before us that is was the right move now. But, leaving all that is familiar, including the medical team that I adored, is hard. I've met the first of my new team- and I am not thrilled. Talented, able but cold, business-like. Efficient. I don't do that well.

I have slipped, here and there, into mild depression over the last few months but have always slept it off and moved on to the new day. Now, I can't.

The talons of being unsettled, of living in constant anticipation of the next thing to go wrong- has begun to wear on me. This month has been a joyous one of miracle after miracle- but has come attack after attack. My shield is dented, folding and my sword arm is tired. Putting one foot in front of the other is tiring, cumbersome. Literally and figuratively. I cry more, and easily. And that, is not my way. I will not be a victim.

Today brought more devastating setbacks in the transplant area. Phoenix will not accept me. The nurse I had initially talked to, who did the full (or what we thought was the full) initial process, missed a few steps that evidently fully disqualify me. That wasn't so much the issue today (although it was a kick in the gut), as the way she said it. She was chipper and cold at the same time. Very efficient. "We cannot even work you up. Good thing you have Denver in your back pocket". Dismissed. You are the weakest link. Byebye.

I do still have Denver, and I don't see us moving too much closer to them, as we are ok where we are- and know this is where God wants us for now. I'm reading Beth Moore's Get Out Of That Pit - and fully focused on slipping in through circumstances and people who push you in. Timing- right?

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed. Tired. In need of something going right. Just one day. Just one.
I've struggled with even posting as I like to do it once I've learned the lesson. I want to share the journey of our trip here. But, I find myself focusing on the events of what went wrong and it no longer strikes me funny. Even though we laughed all the way here. Depression is scary. And I'm trusting that God continues to hear me, and maybe someone has some directional signs from having been here before me.


Blogger BooMama said...

Praying, sweet friend...

8:35 PM  
Blogger Barb said...

Awww, Kelli. It must be very depressing to go from having a team you loved to a new team that is cold and distant. I can't believe the Phoenix nurse. She obviously forgets she's working with real human beings.

I can't begin to imagine all you're feeling. So I'll do the only thing I can do to help. I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.

8:43 PM  
Blogger Tricia said...

God is listening. And so many are praying.

8:58 PM  
Blogger PastorMac's Ann said...

Awww, Kelli. I'm so sorry things are so rough. I'll be praying for you.

9:29 PM  
Blogger momrn2 said...

Oh that makes me so very frustrated!! How dare that nurse be like that! As a nephrology nurse myself, it makes me even more upset that she would behave in such a manner!!

Hang in there and just take one day at a time... one moment at a time.

Praying even now for brighter days ahead and a measure of God's presence like nothing you've ever known before!

9:37 PM  
Blogger Joyful Days said...


10:43 PM  
Blogger Carey said...

Oh Kelli, depression is never easy, and it is hard. Try to remember all the good, positive things in life, your children, your husband, the fact that you ARE alive. And you are needed, it may not be in a paying job at the moment, but you are needed in your family, and in the lives of your friends, and the people you are about to meet.
I pray for you to have the strength to fight this, that God will be holding your hand throughout this difficult time. I pray for comfort and peace, and joy, to touch your heart and lift your spirits.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

4:58 AM  
Blogger Theresa said...

Okay, so your shield is folding, and your sword is slipping, now it's time for you to rest and watch God fight for you. "The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them." Psalm 34:7 "Then shall thy light break forth as the morning,and thine health shall spring forth speedily; and thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy rereward." Isaiah 58:8

You can't fight this on your own, and what's more, He never asked you to. {{HUGS}}

5:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


5:13 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Keep the faith. Things will be better.


6:09 AM  
Blogger Melody said...

Why is it that nurses/doctors come in polar opposites? They seem to be either super friendly and helpful as though God created them especially for the job....or they are cold, clinical, and not at all helpful as though they were dragged into the job kicking and screaming??? Perhaps if they viewed the little video you posted of the giggling baby they would lighten up!

Praying for you here in Texas, and hoping that you and your brand new, healthy kidney are back in the mountains soon!

9:30 AM  
Blogger Lisa M said...

Kelli ~ I am so sorry to hear that you are facing depression. You have gone through so much. Many stresses in such a short time. I will continue to keep you in my prayers ~ praying for comfort, peace, healing, and the feeling of God's presence.


9:51 AM  
Blogger Linda said...

Life can be very heavy sometimes. I'm sorry it is so for you right now Kelli. I've been there too. For some reason, when I am it is difficult to pray - to look up. That is when others have prayed for me. So that is what I'll do for you. You were never meant to fight these battle alone. We will stand in the gap for you until you can regroup a bit.
The Lord did not bring you this far to abandon you now. He's still here and He's still in control. All will be well.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Susanne said...

Kelli, my heart is so going out to you. May it bring you comfort and strength to know that your friends here are standing in the gap for you and lifting up before the Lord. May the Captain of your Salvation grant you inner strength and build you up with faith and joy as He fights for you.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I don't think anyone would blame you for feeling overwhelmed with this whole situation; I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel the same way! How frustrating that AZ now says you don't qualify! I'm so sorry to hear that news, I'm sure that must have put your spirits in a low mood! Sending you prayers!

2:37 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Kelli -

Although my circumstances were not as heavy as your's, I too had some depression following our move to a new city. We knew without a doubt that it was where God wanted us, but being here with none of my old friends and no one to lean on was very hard. My husband suggested that I meet with a counselor at our church and that helped a lot because it was someone to talk to who would just listen and who was removed from my situation. Anyways, I will be praying that you will adjust well and that God will give you the strength that you need to endure all the changes going on around you! You are loved and there are so many people lifting you up in prayer! I hope you have a blessed day!

8:27 PM  
Blogger Laurel Wreath said...

So much change at one time, this is so understandable. I think I would be more worried if you did not go through a grieving process of what you left. I am praying for you, hang in there and continue reading that book (I am reading it too =)

8:31 PM  
Blogger Brenda said...

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on.

Thank God we don't have to rely on our own strength, amen?

Praying for you, dear one.

10:35 PM  
Blogger Deborah Hooper said...

I am praying for you. The depression does not mean you are failing in your faith. Be gentle with yourself; the trial through which you are going is discipline enough.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Big Mama said...

I'm praying for you, Kelli.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Terri @ In His Hands said...

Praying for you.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous eph2810 said..., Kelli. That is just horrible that they are not going to do the transplant here. It so sickens me that physicians put in account that you have feelings. That is so sad.
I will continue to lift you and your family up. You are needed!


10:35 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

God puts prayer warriors in our paths when we cannot pray for ourselves. It is a wonderful thing!

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

still praying...

6:42 PM  
Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

I'm so sorry, Kelli. I'll continue praying for you, and hoping that this is just the bottom of the valley before you're able to climb back up to the heights!!

9:35 PM  
Blogger Jungle Mom said...

Gound you through CMB. I am amzed at your strength! Hello from venezuela and know that I said a prayer for you.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for you this Lord's Day. May God bless you most richly! (hug)

10:36 AM  
Blogger Janean said...

I can not imagine how you must hurt. I don't know how I would handle what you have to handle...if it weren't for our Heavenly Father. Sometimes it just feels like you've had enough, huh?
You'll be in my prayers, Kelli. As Always. :D

5:58 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home