Tuesday, February 06, 2007

America's Most Wanted ... here I come?

So, it started out with a list of errands. Go here, go there, run in, run out.
Then, we hit #4 - drop off the gold-plated copy of my birth certificate that the Social Security office required to determine I was really disabled enough to stay home.
First of all, we get directions - the Social Security office is located downtown in the new Federal Building, across from Lincoln Center. Oh, yeah, of course! Whatever.
So, we go downtown and try to figure out if the Fed is at 4th and 29th, then which one way streets will get us there the fastest with a shot at hitting the parking lot the first time out. See, in Billings? The parking lots are one-way along with the streets, Ikidyounot.
After seven, count them people, s-e-v-e-n failed attempts to getintheparkinglottherightway ...we landed a spot on the curb. With a meter. And zero.no space to parallel park correctly. Now, I drive a mid-size SUV and have the parallel parking skills of any good driver raised in Los Angeles (translation - I don't parallel park).
Then, John had to discuss (noticed I didn't say "we" had to discuss) whether I was really correctly parked at all. Frankly, it was take to spot or throw the birth cert out the window and hope the magic social security fairy delivered it to the right person.
We fed the meter (10 cents for 18 minutes- I mean, how long can this take?)
Now, before I proceed let me say I am a world-savvy traveler. Because of various things I've done, including the line of work I have been in, I have traveled excessively through both domestic and international airport terminals- even since 9/11. I know how to fit everything, including shoes, briefcase and laptop in one container, feed it through, get me in and out through security without breaking a sweat. I laugh at those who stand in line staring blankly at the rules of security, when they first realize they have to remove shoes and jackets- and realize they didn't shave under their arms, have on a tank top and holey socks. Yep. Priceless. But, I digress.
We walk in the door. Of the Federal Building. In Billings, people. Billings, MT.
I throw down everything to the x-ray tote and fly through the metal detector, scoop up my sunglasses and keys from the x-ray as it sails through and head for the Social Security door in front of me.
"Ma'am".
"Ma'am?"
"MA'AM!!" (click)
"K-E-L-L-I!!!!!"
Clueless, I flip around and see the guard staring me down, with one hand on his hip placed on his gun. The "click" I heard, faintly in my brain? That little snap that holsters that fine piece of gun-ness.
Oops.
"Ma'am, you need to sign in please".
Oops. Again.
Never thought the guy at the desk had a purpose.
After asking to see my photo ID, I turned about 14 more shades of red, cause I didn't think to bring my wallet in with me. So, I was escorted to the security section to wait for John. Hmpf.
After seeing how long the line was, I was sent out to get my ID and feed the meter some more.
This time through, the metal detector goes off. Huh?
Nothing changed- and the only thing I can think that it's the dialysis catheter. The one that is, well, not placed for human viewing.
"Anything metal on you?"
"Well, I have a dialysis catheter".
Silence.
"And, can you show it to me?"
"Well, it's ...."
"Just point- I'll scan you".
And I'm through.
And other than that, it was uneventful - except for the 65 year old who almost clocked John. See, he thought we were #2 and we were #4. And he tried to go to the window in front of her. Yowsa!
As we walked out, John mutters to the guard (out of hearing) "You've been blogged". I luvs that man!
After a few more unexciting stops, we headed to the salon to get John a haircut. Since we had a few things to do in the area, I dropped him off and kept going. Well, I mean, I came back and all. I didn't, you know - leave town.
When I got back to the salon, I grabbed one of the only open seats in the waiting area- next to the door. And with one empty seat between myslef and anotehr older lady. Wait, she was old, I am not. Not "anotehr" older lady, like I'm old.
No one asked me if I needed help, and for some rweason the lady next to the empty chair got leary. She asked me "Are you wating for a haircut" three different times. I wasn't I contiunually reassured her, John was- although we had not spoken when I come in- him being fully engrossed in the latest Road and Track review of something expensive. Yes, that is why he gets his hair cut there. Road and Track in the waiting room.
SO for some reason, my presence set her on edge. She casually reached over and got her purse, then put it in her lap. Asked me again- maybe I need a haircut? She even tried to get the attnetion of the receptionist.
It would be wrong of me to not say, out loud, that I Was enjoying every minute of it. People cna be fascinating at times= and for the life of me, I cna't figure out what made me look so meancing.
She got called in, and John hopped up and sat next to me. I told him, and we both got a nice chuckle out it.
When she left, I did make it a point to say "goodbye" and "have a wonderful afternoon". I mean, really- we need to be polite.
Somehow, we managed to get home without arrest or high-speed chase.
Just another day in the life o'Bonnie and her man Clyde.

11 Comments:

Blogger Janean said...

OH MY! You ARE optimistic, my friend. Last time I went to the Social Security office, they called my number 2 hours and 10 minutes AFTER I walked in the door. And my transaction took all of 36 seconds to complete.
BLECH!
:D
Funny episode in the hair salon. Maybe you just have that "outlaw" air about you. Heee Heee

7:45 PM  
Blogger Ashleigh said...

"You've been blogged."

CRACKS. ME. UP. :grin:

These husbands of ours... the things they put up with in their bloggie wives.

8:05 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

I think the PayPal people are in a conspiracy with the Fed Building people.
Just a theory.
Leaning trees and all.:>)

AND PLEASE TELL ME WHY THE WORD VERIFICATION READS,"Unfit?"
Oh, yes it does. Forget subliminal. Go straight for the insult, blogspot.

9:02 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Love your enthusiasm and positive outlook in life.

Have a great Wednesday.

Mike
http://somethingaboutparenting.typepad.com/

5:25 AM  
Blogger Theresa said...

My hubby is starting to get the idea about things I will blog about, too. The comments he makes are absolutely wonderful! I'm glad that they didn't ask for proof that your license was authentic or something, the Federal buildings are a real joy to get into!

6:17 AM  
Blogger Blessed Beyond Measure said...

I've had the brain switch too. Sometimes something will happen and I immediately start transferring it into blogmode in my little brain. It does make some things more bearable. The nastier the person, the longer the line, etc. the more fun to post about.

7:37 AM  
Anonymous MarillaAnne said...

My husband's only fear about my blogging is that I will make him look soft and like a mushy man in love ... like No one has figured out that he is soft and mushy in love when it comes to me.

God is Good.

We're headed over to West Point on Friday to get updated ID's and ... so thank you for this security reminder ... just dropped in a few more butterflies for the trip.

I have to agree that your expectations re the time requirement were exceedingly optimistic ... It's always hours and hours for me.

Your paranoid little lady made me smile. Reminded me of being out with my Grandmother.

Glad to see your spirits up

have fun,
pam

7:41 AM  
Blogger Susanne said...

This was so funny. But when your hubby said "you've been blogged", I almost lost it! He gets it, he really does! :vD

9:53 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

These days I find myself looking for something funny or unusual so I'll have something original to blog about. I understand!!
I also understand trying to get something done that should be relatively simple, but just absolutley isn't (as in anything to do with the government).
Great post Kelli.
I'm still praying!!

3:08 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Oh my goodness you had me chuckling all the way through your post! What a day you had!

3:45 PM  
Blogger Barb said...

John completely cracks me up. Don't you just love that he knows you now see every.single.thing as fodder for the blog?

That whole trip to Billings? Ridiculous. I'mnever ever going to understand how anything at all that has to do with government is hopelessly difficult and aggravating. It's almost like it's required.

What a fun post. I love it that you love people watching. We get some good stories out of it. :-)

10:29 AM  

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